Geography Of a Woman & Man
	Geography of a Woman: Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade - especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. Geography of a Man: Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick!  Santa Poem Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard, The place was a mess, something hit it real hard. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Fuckin' slow down, or I'll cut off your nuts. Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub. And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down through the chimney he came with a crash. His suit was all soaking with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some cathouse," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for awhile." He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a black leather whip, Next were some X-rated video clips. A box full of condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pack of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And boxes of goodies I won't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit, If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead. He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch, "Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch!" The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair, And he let out a belch as they took to the air, Bending the lamp post and raking the tree, He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free. "I'm comin' home, woman!" he sang with a smirk, "So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!"              Police Quotes   "The handcuffs are tight because theyre new. Theyll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, youll only go to jail tired." "So, you dont know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I dont think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "Life's tough, & its tougher if youre stupid cuz you'll never graduate  from that school of hard knocks youre still going to!" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now were allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Just how big were those two beers?" New Miranda rights: "You have the right to remain motionless or you may elect to run. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk. Good luck. On your mark, get set... GO!" Caught for speeding: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Stuck under a bridge: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." I'm going to a lecture: The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.         Confucius Says:   Confucius Says: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into money. Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. Man who fart in church must sit in own pew. Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed. Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam. Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger. Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock. Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy. Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. He who lives in glass house, dress in basement. Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long. Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak. Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip. Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge. Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. He who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs. Man who puts dick in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.        Work Jokes Company Policy SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Signed The Management