The first joke

Little Johnny asks:
- Daddy, how was I born?
- Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!

More jokes

Three ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first duck and says: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"
The duck says: "my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."
Then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks: "What’s your name and what've you been doing?"
The second duck says: "My names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles."
Then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says: "Don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles."
The duck replies: "No, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day!!!"

Cat in Heaven

One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.

There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, "How are things since you are here?"

The cat slowly stretches out his legs. "It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.” he replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely brilliant!!!"

The Most Stupid Man On Earth

There was a flood in a village. One man said to everyone: "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said: "Come on mate, get in!" "No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help." No, God will save me!" he said.

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

New Job

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

Coroner Report

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Joe JR, the Redneck from Neon . Kentucky, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

YO MAMA

YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE STEP ON DA SCALE IT SAYS TO BE CONTINUED

your mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned.

yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck

Cough Syrup

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the new clerk: "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"

The new clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative"

The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The new clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Happy New Year!

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:
- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?
- Hundred dollars, as usual.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Blond

A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.

The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

It was her husband. He says: "How's the new cell phone?"

She replied: "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"