Adult jokes | The love dress

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Adult jokes | The love dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nak*ed. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're nak*ed!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're nak*ed!'' Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Monday, October 4, 2010

Adult jokes | Bananas

Gwen was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend, so she went to a psychic for help. Honey, said the psychic, you will not have luck in love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Gwen left very happy and excited. As she walked over a bridge, she thought: "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins.” She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But incredibly Gwen didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started feeling around. Touching all the bananas, she had a huge smile on her face and said: "GENTLEMEN, PLEASE!… ONE AT A TIME!"

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Adult jokes | Woodpecker

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Adult jokes | Brothel Arrest

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn’t want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman. The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for. Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some. “That sounds good. I think I’ll have some too,” Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line. A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, “You’re so old, how do you do it?”“It’s easy,” replied Grandma. “I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!”

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Adult jokes | Castrated

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement?
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Arthur, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. "
Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn! THAT'S the word!!!"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Adult jokes | $600 rebate!

Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2010) with the following: ''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.''

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Adult jokes | Bike

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk. "If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's ti*ts, yet there is not a sound from anyone. So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out. At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the f**king pots!"

Monday, September 20, 2010

Adult jokes | Stress relief

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice, “I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had my wife give me a blo*job. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!” Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. “I see you followed my advice?” “I did”, answers the employee, “It was great! By the way I didn’t know you had such a nice house!”.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Adult jokes | Private part

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. "And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife."I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Adult jokes | Honeymoons

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...". The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.6:00 a.m. The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse." The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary". Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.6:30 a.m. The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices. "The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute. At 4:30 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Adult jokes | Husband & wife talking in bed

Husband: I won't be able to sleep after wards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: Booooooo ..!(Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it.
Husband: There. Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Short adult jokes | Struggling with English

The young Swedish pair had been working for the Schmitt's for more than a year. While hardworking and efficient, she still struggled with English. One day, she told Mrs. Schmitt that she had received good news from her boyfriend Sven. "He is coming to visit me from army next week!" "That's wonderful," the woman replied. "How long is his furlough?" "Oh," the young woman said, blushing, "About as long as Mr. Schmitt's. Just a little thicker."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Adult jokes | Checking intellectuality

The Captain rounded all his men to check on their intellectual faculties. Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says. "Smith, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??" "Oh!! Sir it makes me think of the train station." "Well Smith ... why does it make you think of the train station." "Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down to the train station, and when the train left the station people would wave their handkerchiefs like you do Sir." "Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??" "Oh well Sir... It makes me think about the port." "Why does it make you think about the port??" "Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing ships wave at their relatives and friends that way." "That's very good Thomas, let's see you Gibson, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about?" "Sir. It makes me think about screw*ng!" "Oh, I see, well why does it make you think screw*ng?" "Because Sir, the only thing I think about is screw*ng."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Adult jokes | Vacation in Caribbean

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” “I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says. “There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says. “Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.” The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”

Adult elephant jokes | Lady elephant

So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out. The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me." "All right," says the elephant, "what?" "Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I've had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me." The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees. So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant. This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head. The elephant says, "Ouch!" And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"

Friday, September 10, 2010

Adult jokes | Growing wild!

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out. Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world. "The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?" The first little old lady says, "Look at that." "When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it." "When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it." "When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it." "When I was 40 years old, I asked for it." "When I was 50 years old, I paid for it." "When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it." "When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it." "And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Adult jokes | Retirement bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my pen*is to the bottom of my test*icles."The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's pen*is and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your test*cles?" The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Adult jokes | Convertible

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow. Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his pen*is grow. His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertible. Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red Ferrari. The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertible." The dad replied "The convertible is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."

Monday, September 6, 2010

Adult jokes | Doc's solution

The doc told him that masturba*ting before sex often helped men last longer the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes"

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Funny jokes for adults | Sex education

A mom of an 8-year-old boy was awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn't understand the answer to that "million dollar question." Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman? The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom told her boy that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint... that the sperm came out of the man's pen*is. Suddenly, the boy's face became quite red and he said, "YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!?"

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