Really Funny Jokes
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Monday, November 8, 2010
Hilarious jokes-How fast
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said: "Well, son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad:
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Really funny jokes-Free of cost
An ant knocks on the door of a house.
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants!
The house owner opens the door.
"I want a place to stay," said the ant.
"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.
The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.
After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner, "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"
"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.
After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.
The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.
This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.
One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner to allow him also to stay with it.
The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."
Now the question is: Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?
Because they are now tenants!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Clean jokes-Missing goat
Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?"
"Nope," said Azmat. "Not until just now."
Monday, October 25, 2010
Short funny jokes-Cow who works for a gardener
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Animal jokes-Friendly Dog
One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant, I escort the patient into the doctor's office.
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
Before taking this dog's leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner, "Is she friendly?"
"Friendly?" said the man. "Friendly? She's had five litters! How much 'friendlier' than that can she get?"
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Funny jokes-Animals
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Really funny jokes-Taking a walk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Animal jokes-Elephant under the bed
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Really funny jokes-Paul, the Octopus
Top US investment bank Goldman Sachs is said to be bidding US$4m for the oracle octopus Paul to head its proprietary trading.
Goldman will convert part of its trading floor into a fish tank for Paul and put boxes of different markets, stocks, indices, equities and bonds for Paul to choose from. Hopefully this will translate into a more profitable prop business for them.
Paul will also work closely with Head of Global Strategy and advise him on asset allocation strategy.
Also heard from a reliable source this morning that Merrill Lynch is bidding for Paul to replace their entire research team.
It will be interesting to see where Paul ends up.
Goldman will convert part of its trading floor into a fish tank for Paul and put boxes of different markets, stocks, indices, equities and bonds for Paul to choose from. Hopefully this will translate into a more profitable prop business for them.
Paul will also work closely with Head of Global Strategy and advise him on asset allocation strategy.
Also heard from a reliable source this morning that Merrill Lynch is bidding for Paul to replace their entire research team.
It will be interesting to see where Paul ends up.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Short funny jokes-Herd of buffalo
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Adult elephant jokes | Lady elephant
So this lady elephant is walking along the forest, when she gets a sliver in her foot. It`s really quite painful, so when she sees this bunny rabbit on the forest floor, she asks him to pull the sliver out. The rabbit says, "Okay, but if I do this favour for you, you have to promise to do a favour for me." "All right," says the elephant, "what?" "Well you see," says the rabbit, "I haven`t gotten my rocks off in a long time. I've had no action at all, and I thought that you might help me." The elephant is a little shocked, but she wants that sliver out, so she agrees. So the rabbit pulls the sliver out and says, "Okay, get ready," and jumps up there and starts going to town with the elephant. This monkey in a tree nearby sees this little bunny rabbit going at with the elephant, and he starts jumping up and down and laughing in the tree. He jumps so hard that a coconut falls out of the tree and hits the elephant on the head. The elephant says, "Ouch!" And the rabbit says, "That`s right b**ch, take it all!"
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Animal Jokes-Artificially inseminated
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Really funny stuff-Horse
A new pub landlady got a shock when she discovered one of her regulars is a horse. Jackie Gray recently became landlady at the Alexandra Hotel in Jarrow, Tyneside. She says she got a pleasant surprise when carthorse Peggy joined owner Peter Dolan for a pint. The 12-year-old's tipple is a pint of John Smiths and pickled onion crisps.
Mrs Gray said, 'When I bought the pub a few weeks ago I heard rumours that one of the regulars was a horse but I didn't quite believe them. It was a hot day when the horse came in and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'
Mr Dolan, 61, from Jarrow, bought Peggy six years ago and discovered her fondness for the pub when she followed him inside. According to the BBC he said, 'Peggy's no bother at all. Most of the regulars know her as she's been coming in here for years and for them Peggy's a bit of a novelty. She's a proper lady.'
This reminded Will of a horse which drank occasionally in the Clacton Arms, Paulsgrove [demolished for housing] in the late 1960's when John Palmer was landlord.
Mrs Gray said, 'When I bought the pub a few weeks ago I heard rumours that one of the regulars was a horse but I didn't quite believe them. It was a hot day when the horse came in and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'
Mr Dolan, 61, from Jarrow, bought Peggy six years ago and discovered her fondness for the pub when she followed him inside. According to the BBC he said, 'Peggy's no bother at all. Most of the regulars know her as she's been coming in here for years and for them Peggy's a bit of a novelty. She's a proper lady.'
This reminded Will of a horse which drank occasionally in the Clacton Arms, Paulsgrove [demolished for housing] in the late 1960's when John Palmer was landlord.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Funny jokes-Chicken met James Bond
A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond,
'What's your name?' asked the chicken,
'Bond, James Bond. What's yours?'
'Ken, Chick Ken.'
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Adult jokes - Bigger
There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other, "Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it." "I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh.. the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that". So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing.. so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again.. "I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry".. so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again.. then donkey started to cry... he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"? his friend replies, easy! "the first time I told him my di*k was bigger than his.. "and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Animal jokes-Talking dog
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Animal jokes-Bears in family court
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Teacher jokes-10 foot snake
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
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