Saturday, November 13, 2010

Adult jokes | Trip to Chicago

Joe left for a two day trip to Chicago to visit his sisters. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his wallet on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee. She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left b*e*st. "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Joe won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Adult jokes-Had it

An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night"

"How old are you then sir?" asked the madam.

"I am 98 years old and still going strong, cough, cough!"

"Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realise that you've had it?"

"Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?"

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Short funny jokes-Arrested in the coal fields

Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields?

A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Adult jokes | Name after soda pop

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Adult jokes | SWOT analysis

A married couple was asked to present their SWOT Analysis.

His reply:My *S*trength is my wife. My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife. My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out. My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!
Her reply:My *S*trength is my beauty. My *W*eakness our local plumber. My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst. My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!

Short funny jokes-Wnd beneath my wings

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?

A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Hilarious jokes-Sharing the bed

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Adult jokes | Never been with a woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks. “I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like scr**ing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Friday, October 29, 2010

Adult jokes | The cute girl and her Terrier

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed, but somewhat chubby, terrier. As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have." "Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing." "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile."Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky', because he's a little fat?""Oh, no!" she replied with a smile, "It's because he f**ks pigs!"

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Adult jokes | Self raising

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks. It wasn’t long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng, “Is yours self-raising too?” The feeble old man croaked, “No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!”

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Adult jokes | Lonely widow

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:HUSBAND WANTED:MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),MUST NOT BEAT ME,MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" "Yes, I am," the man replied. The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs !"The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" The wedding is set for Saturday.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Adult jokes | The Proposal

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant..So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and & inches in your pants" After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read:"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Adult jokes | Newly married man

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal." "A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance? " "No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Adult jokes | Finding the rake

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What? and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE" The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left bre*st, then she points to her butt, and finally to her cro*tch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the hell was that?"She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Adult jokes | Wrinkles out

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Adult jokes | Old geezers

Three geezers are sitting on a porch in Miami Beach. Suddenly the first sighs and says, "Gentlemen, isn't life horrible. Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what? Bad teeth and gums. I have to eat ground or soft foods. "The second answers, "Yeah, life is a real bummer. Why here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne but what? Ulcers, I have to drink milk. "The third sighs loudly and adds, "Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean. Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she's interested. She screams at me, "What is wrong with you Sam? We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!"After a long pause the first man says, "So what is your problem?" The third one grunts and says, "Can't you see? My memory is going."

Monday, October 11, 2010

Adult jokes | Addiction

A man goes to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, re wrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can`t tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won`t dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I`ll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn`t work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor. "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient. "What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor. "Well, I don`t smoke cigars anymore, but now I can`t go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Adult jokes - The Woodsman

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..."So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says... "Ya know sweetheart, this just ain't your day

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Short adult jokes | Short skirt

Mary: I'm sorry I'm a bit late! My cab driver almost had a wreck getting me here!
Jill: What happened?
Mary: The driver in front of him started to go when the light turned green, but he slammed on the brakes to look at a gal on the sidewalk who was wearing a mini-skirt. My driver almost hit him in the rear!
Jill: My goodness! How short was the skirt?
Mary: Well, she was wearing blue panties!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Adult jokes | Wax museum

The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. And it was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.

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