Saturday, November 13, 2010

Really Funny Jokes

Really funny jokes Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Adult jokes | Sugar and Cream

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine. "She reaches into her b*ra, pulls out two sugar cubes and into his cup drops them." "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

Non veg jokes | Toast and girlfriend

QUESTION: What is the similarity between burnt toast and pregnant a girlfriend?

ANSWER: In both cases the guy thinks,'It would have been better, if I have taken it out before two seconds!'

Friday, September 3, 2010

Short adult jokes | James Bond in heaven

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven. The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking. "M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no. M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again. "Hello, Mary speaking !"

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Short adult jokes | The new age

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his as*s!'

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Short adult jokes | Priests in shower

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

Monday, August 30, 2010

Adult jokes | Height of communication gap

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmadabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? ""Yes...... speaking"AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue ""GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow." "That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Adult jokes | Saturday night bath

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do,and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved.""Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn ... and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

Friday, August 27, 2010

Adult jokes- A damn fine explanation

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into t he car.I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Adult jokes - About to

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.The old man said, "Sure!"The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived." "Sure, why?" "Well you`d better get over there, you are about to cum!"

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Adult jokes | Lickety split

An old Italian couple were walking around in the mall. After a while they got separated, so the woman went up to the first saleswoman she saw and asked, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman went to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?" "No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband." replied the second clerk. The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you seenna me Tony. He's got a bigga belly and a lots of curly black hair?" The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety-split." To which the Italian woman answers, "No. No. No! That's not a me Tony. He pinch-a the bum, grabba the bre*sts but he no lickety split!"

Monday, August 23, 2010

Short adult jokes | Out of town

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back. The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her. She still refuses and walks back. The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in. Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

Adult jokes | $100,000 Quiz

Jane was a first time contestant on the $100,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.“I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”“Relax, honey,” her husband, Roger, reassured her. “It will all be OK.”Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.“Where are you going?” Jane asked.“I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon” he replied.Jane waited impatiently for Roger’s return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.“Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”“What is it?” she cried excitedly.“OK. The question is: ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’”“And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’” Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.“The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.“Jane, for $100,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”“Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously. “Very good. Six seconds.”“Eh, uh, the heart?” “Very good! Four seconds.”“I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…” “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Short adult jokes - Only species

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgas*m?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it. "He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Adult jokes - Nervous couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Dad, what do I do first?" "Get nak*d and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get nak*d and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there fora few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"

Friday, August 20, 2010

Adult jokes - Much to say

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Adult jokes - Putting body parts to sleep

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn.""You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body."Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Short adult jokes - Sex lives

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their s*x lives. First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it. "
Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."
Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."
A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Adult jokes - Bigger

There was one time two friends sitting next to a tree eating their lunch until one friend asks the other, "Hey you see that donkey far away.." and the other friend replies... "yeah I see it." "I bet you 100 bucks, I can make that donkey laugh.. the other friend replies.. "go ahead I bet that money you cant do that". So the friend goes where the donkey was eating his food, approaches to him and lift the donkey's ear and whispers in it.. and the donkey started laughing.. so the other friend loses his money.. in the next 5 min the friend asks the other friend again.. "I bet you 100 bucks more I make the donkey cry".. so he does and the other friend approaches to the donkey and lifts his ear and whispers in it again.. then donkey started to cry... he goes back and the other friend asks: "how did you do that"? his friend replies, easy! "the first time I told him my di*k was bigger than his.. "and he laughed.. and the "second time I showed to him..."

Friday, August 13, 2010

Adult jokes - Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

Adult jokes - The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.

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