Saturday, November 13, 2010

Really Funny Jokes

Really funny jokes Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Office jokes-Four bones

The body of any organization has four bones:

1. Wish bones, who spend all their time wishing someone else will do all the work;

2. Jaw Bones, who do all the talking and very little else;

3. Knuckle Bones, who knock everything that everybody else tries to do;

4. Back Bones, who get under the load and do all the work.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Really funny jokes-Paul, the Octopus

Top US investment bank Goldman Sachs is said to be bidding US$4m for the oracle octopus Paul to head its proprietary trading.

Goldman will convert part of its trading floor into a fish tank for Paul and put boxes of different markets, stocks, indices, equities and bonds for Paul to choose from. Hopefully this will translate into a more profitable prop business for them.

Paul will also work closely with Head of Global Strategy and advise him on asset allocation strategy.

Also heard from a reliable source this morning that Merrill Lynch is bidding for Paul to replace their entire research team.

It will be interesting to see where Paul ends up.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Office jokes-How to Translate Academic Jargon

When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.

I didn't look up the original reference.

These data are practically meaningless.

An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

The other results didn't make any sense.

This is the prettiest graph.

I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.




I think.

A couple of others think so, too.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Rumour has it.

A really wild guess.

Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

I don't understand it....and I never will.

They don't understand it either.

A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.

These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Really funny jokes-The replacement

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Office jokes-Unintentional yet funny

Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."

8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Office jokes-The new recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Computer jokes-Vista

The following are new Windows messages that have been introduced with Vista:

1. Frequently asked questions about Vista. No 1 Question - How do I get my money back? (Fact is stranger than fiction)
2. This will end your Vista session. Do you want to play another game?
3. Kennel stack overflow problem. Your new Patch is now available. Call at the vet and collect your dog.
4. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
5. Suggested Action. Emigrate.
6. Upon completion of this investigation, Microsoft will take action to help solve your problem. This will involve remote execution of the user.
7. The media is corrupt. Therefore, don't read the manual - bribe a reporter.
8. Windows Update Service Problem. Waitress is sick.
9. A problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
10. Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
11. An operations error occurred. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
12. Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
13. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
14. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
15. Vista object doesn't support this property or method. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
16. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
17. User Error: Replace user.
18. No network provider accepted the given network path. In plain English, we have not got a clue what's wrong.
19. Vista message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
20. 'Known issue' - it's just the solution that is unknown.
21. This network connection does not exist, and neither does any help.
22. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
23. Object already non-existent. Are you sure you still want to delete? (N/N)
24. The network location cannot be reached. To 'shutdown' your system, type 'WIN.'
25. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
26. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
27. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
28. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
29. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
30. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
31. Vista_error 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
32. Workaround. The workaround does not work, but it makes us fell better to include it.
33. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows Vista found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
34. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
35. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
36. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
37. We are reading your error report, but we are not understanding.
38. Hold down the Numb Lock. Phone 555-1212-4590 and ask for Lulu.
39. You can provide feedback by completing the form. However, you are wasting your time because it goes to a sink account that we never read.
40. Disclaimer: We would like to thank Bart Simpson, who had the least to do with these solutions and was therefore of the most help.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Office jokes-The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err. lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication" , you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well. .I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding' .

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding' ?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Office jokes-Definitions of Designations:

Definitions of Designations:

* Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

* Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

* Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

* Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

* Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

* Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

* Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

* Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

* Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

* HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

* HSE – Head …thinks a woman must wear a helmet to deliver a Healthy baby Safely·

* Commercial – Head : - Woman must produce three quotation ( only from ISO certified males) otherwise not baby is not acceptable ·

* Finance Head : Whether Woman delivers a baby or Donkey …Budget & Cash flow must be approved (doesn’t matter when i.e one month / nine months / 18months)

Monday, August 16, 2010

Office jokes-Excuses for being late to work

Ten Excuses Why You Were Late To Work
1. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out of bed.
2. I had to take my cat to the dentist.
3. I went all the way to the office and realized I was still in my pajamas and had to go home to change.
4. I saw that you weren't in the office, so I went out looking for you.
5. I couldn't find the right tie, so I had to wait for the stores to open so I could buy one.
6. My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I needed to tend to the ferret.
7. I ran over a goat.
8. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and the police required everyone to stay for questioning.
9. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull over.
10. I wet my pants and went home to change.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Really funny jokes-Lost luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Really funny jokes-Hair smells nice

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today." She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office. She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened. The manager says, "What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?" Furious, she snarls, "He’s a midget!"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Political jokes-Don't ask don't tell

Today the Obama Administration announced the long-waited strategy for Afghanistan.

It is called the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" strategy.

You don't ask about the strategy and they won't tell you what the strategy is.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Really funny jokes-Airlines with different operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Really funny stuff-Comments Made In The Year 1955

Comments Made In The Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Clean jokes-Answers in the Bible

There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being canceled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?"

The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"

The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."

Friday, May 14, 2010

Funny jokes-Irish Car pool

Did you hear about the Irish car pool?

They all meet at work.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Office jokes-Parts manager

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.

But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE BOX OVER."

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Clean jokes-Job promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Monday, April 19, 2010

Office jokes-Vocabulary additions

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find your self unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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